farmer's market flowers ... 2 year old birthday parties ... community dinners ... outside-of-work-gatherings ... support in grief and mourning ... having the opportunity to go with Paul to Portland ... time with family and friends ... cool almost-fall temperatures ... apple picking ... mums and pumpkins ... craft and retail therapy ... signs of fall everywhere ... help with garden event planning ...washer and dryer in our house - no more trips to the laundromat!!! ... my new smart phone ... making memories with people I love ... dreaming of all the things I love about fall ... baking and cooking comfort food ... morning cups of tea ... books on tape ... settling in to our new apartment ... sharing household responsibilities with Paul ... porch sitting ... the joy of being alive
3 Comments
And I'm back. I've been MIA this week because I decided at the last minute to attend our friend's funeral in Portland with Paul. The days were long and hard and beautiful and even fun at times, and I'm so glad I was able to be present with everyone. I flew back Wednesday and ended up getting stuck in Denver, which really challenged my patience. I made it home safely yesterday, and now I'm getting back into my routine.
I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster today. My mixture of sadness, grief, and celebration of my friend's life fit a lot better in Portland with people who knew our friend and understood what had happened. Grief, sadness, and celebration are misplaced puzzle pieces now that don't quite fit back into normal life. Things feel off, and I know it will be a struggle to keep up with all my regular activities and responsibilities. And so things will go for a bit. The opportunity with these feelings is a chance to evaluate my self-care habits, remember what's important to me, and reshape my life (at least for the time being) so that I can fit all my puzzle pieces back together. And it will happen. I won't continue to write about this experience regularly because I want to refocus on the simply joys in my life. I may write about our friend or the grieving process again in the future, but for now I'll just say that I appreciate all the support I've received - it's meant the world to me and Paul. First, I want to thank you so much for all for your kindness and support in light of our recent loss. I'm amazed at how much love Paul and I have in our lives. I ask that you keep our friend's family and friends in your thoughts as they struggle through this difficult time.
Lately, I've been wanting to paint and draw and develop my artistic style. I'd like to see if I could ever make a part time career out of painting. I know that there would be a lot that would go into it, and it feels overwhelming and scary. And so fear and getting caught up in other things has caused me to keep putting this off for another day. So I took a risk today. I asked a friend of mine who is a writer if she wanted to work on a children's book with me. I've been feeling really drawn to illustrations lately, so much so I picked out this beautiful shower curtain for our new bathroom. I love it. Taking my passion for illustrating to the next level, I offered to do the art for the book, and my friend agreed to write the story. I love kid's books, but I've never tried to create one, and I have no idea if I'd be any good at it. But why not try? The worse that will happen is that it doesn't turn out well, and I move onto something else. But who knows what the best could be. Other things I've done have taken off more than I ever expected. I'm not putting the pressure on this to go places, but I'm also not backing down from giving it a shot. Wish us luck! Paul and I received news that one of his best friends died Tuesday. And just like that, the world as we knew it before is over and things are changed. When I find out someone I care about has died, my brain separates time into before I found out they died and everything that comes after. It sounds a tad dramatic, but it's the best way I can describe it. Life just isn't quite the same when you lose someone you love. Our friend took his own life. I debated sharing that piece because ultimately it doesn't matter how our friend left this world, what matters right now is that he's gone. This is the second suicide Paul and I have experienced since being together, and I'm having the unfortunate opportunity to learn that this form of death changes the grieving process. There's more guilt, confusion, anger, "if onlys" and "what ifs." But ultimately, the reality is the same. The person you love is gone, and no amount of questions or what ifs will bring them back. Paul compares it to a heart attack. For some people, they can survive their first heart attack and go back to living their life. For others the first one is massive and deadly. The first person we lost had many "heart attacks," the friend we just lost only needed one. The past twenty-four hours have been a blur. They've been filled with shock and a feeling of numbness. We saw our friend just two weeks ago on our trip to Oregon. We visited the coast together, we watched seals together, we got beer and crab together. He's so alive in our pictures, how could he suddenly just be gone? People who knew our friend are heartbroken by his death. Heartbroken is an accurate description. Grief breaks open your heart and fills it with emptiness. You go about your life the best you can and wait for your heart to slowly return to its new normal. You take the support from family and friends and slowly let your heart heal and fill with their love. I've learned that I only make it through these sad hard times by surrounding myself with people I love and by staying active. We kept plans to go to the Mumford and Sons concert Tuesday night, instead of sitting at home. The concert didn't feel the same of course, but it felt like the right place to begin grieving. We received messages throughout the concert from family and friends expressing their condolensces. I remembered how comforting it feels to hear "let me know if there's anything I can do." The presence and words of comfort of loved ones is so healing. The next few weeks and months and anniversaries will be difficult. It feels too overwhelming to think of making it through this whole period of grief with Paul, so I'll do my best to sit with the pain of the present. I'll remember how many good memories we had with our friend. I'll support Paul the best I can and let him handle his grief in his own way. I'll let myself feel what I'm going to feel and be gentle with myself with whatever form my sadness takes. I never feel more grateful for time we spend with family and friends then at times like this. Life is so short, and I am so thankful we have lots of good memories with the people we love - I'll use this as a reminder to hold the
people I care about in love and make sure they know how important they are to me. Paul has shared information about the Suicide Prevention Network to our friends. If someone you loved has died by suicide, remember you are not alone. a three day weekend just when I needed it ... time to relax, read, and rejuvinate ... completely moving out of our old space (!!!!) ... chocolate almond ice cream ... garden parties ... eating breakfast on our new porch ... a jogging and farmer's market date with a good friend ... becoming a member of the local co-op ... coupons for food I love ... getting last minute tickets to an amazing Mumford and Sons concert (so so so good) ... Bruce Springsteen and Beatles covers ... Italian restaurants with outdoor patios that allow adorable beagles ... friends who dog sit said adorable beagles ... knowing I have so much love in my life ... the gift of good friendships, family, life and love
|