Our friend took his own life. I debated sharing that piece because ultimately it doesn't matter how our friend left this world, what matters right now is that he's gone. This is the second suicide Paul and I have experienced since being together, and I'm having the unfortunate opportunity to learn that this form of death changes the grieving process. There's more guilt, confusion, anger, "if onlys" and "what ifs." But ultimately, the reality is the same. The person you love is gone, and no amount of questions or what ifs will bring them back.
Paul compares it to a heart attack. For some people, they can survive their first heart attack and go back to living their life. For others the first one is massive and deadly. The first person we lost had many "heart attacks," the friend we just lost only needed one.
People who knew our friend are heartbroken by his death. Heartbroken is an accurate description. Grief breaks open your heart and fills it with emptiness. You go about your life the best you can and wait for your heart to slowly return to its new normal. You take the support from family and friends and slowly let your heart heal and fill with their love.
home. The concert didn't feel the same of course, but it felt like the right place to begin grieving. We received messages throughout the concert from family and friends expressing their condolensces. I remembered how comforting it feels to hear "let me know if there's anything I can do." The presence and words of comfort of loved ones is so healing.
The next few weeks and months and anniversaries will be difficult. It feels too overwhelming to think of making it through this whole period of grief with Paul, so I'll do my best to sit with the pain of the present. I'll remember how many good memories we had with our friend. I'll support Paul the best I can and let him handle his grief in his own way. I'll let myself feel what I'm going to feel and be gentle with myself with whatever form my sadness takes.
people I care about in love and make sure they know how important they are to me.
Paul has shared information about the Suicide Prevention Network to our friends. If someone you loved has died by suicide, remember you are not alone.